Looking for a Good Reason?

Mom has always been afraid of death. I am not sure if it was her strict Catholic upbringing or the threat she would go to hell if she didn’t repent her sins. Maybe it was just the fear of the unknown like it is for most of us.

Mom always talked about her premature passing. I remember even in her late 50’s she would say, “I don’t have long to live.” That was 30 years ago. So I know mom would torture herself psychologically if she got some diagnosis that gave her a grim chance of survival. She could never have handled a diagnosis of terminal cancer or a severe heart problem. The impending fate would have tortured her to no end.

As a child of a parent with Parkinson’s related dementia I wonder if there is something positive to take out of this terrible disease? I know most would be asking, what could you possibly find to be positive? So I have to wonder, if the “Big Guy” knowing this about mom had a plan. A plan that he would slowly sedate her mind so she would not contemplate the journey she is on. She would not toil over what may happen and how and when it would manifest. She would just slowly and unconsciously move toward the fate that awaits us all.

OK, maybe I am reaching, maybe I am trying to create something that isn’t there. But I have to find some reason for this disease, some benefit, some redeeming sense from a higher power.

I am choosing to believe this is what is happening.

One Comment

  1. Anonymous
    Posted June 3, 2010 at 12:53 am | Permalink

    You are a very loving and courageous son. Thank you for sharing your intimate thoughts about the journey that You are now on. Your mom is lucky to have such a filial son, Dwayne.

    I was just reading up about Aegis before I apply for a job there. After reading your blog I know it's the kind of place I want to work.
    All the best, Christine

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